Sucking the D… How to give a good blowjob
Once and for all, forget about the word ‘blow’. I mean, actually you can; it feels good as well. But a blowie, B.J., giving-a-guy-head, polishing his knob, sucking on the hosepipe, swallowing the snake or whatever else you wish to call it, a blowjob is about sucking, lapping, licking, gobbling, swallowing and occasionally, yes, even gagging. There are as many techniques as there are men and women performing this fun act. Don’t ever think there is only one way to give head. It varies as much from what the sucker comes to like as from what the man being sucked will reveal he wants. Like advice given elsewhere by me, it’s all about open communication and reading your lover.
A lot has been said and written about the blowie. Often maligned, mocked, sometimes even detested, (by the ladies not the guys), but always up the top of a man’s sexual ‘things-to-have-done-to-him’ list. They love it.
What’s that joke about the least common phrase ever uttered by a man? “Stop sucking my cock.” The blow job is here to stay so you might as well get to know it well, how to do it, what to expect and what else might be involved than just
your lips reluctantly opening over a dick.
From my point of view there’s nothing better than feeling a man’s penis grow in my mouth. Knowing that I’m causing him to get a rock solid erection by my ministrations. Watching his pleasure as I lick his shaft and suck on his balls. I'm salivating just thinking about it! Getting him to come in my mouth gives me a sense of achievement. And if I get him this hard there will be pleasure in it for me later when I jump on him. But that’s just me. This is about you.We might think, in this highly evolved state of sexual evolution the human animal has come to, we’d pretty much be in-for-a-penny-in-for-the-blowie when it comes to sexual pursuits. Sure, younger lovers in their first forays of intimate adventure might come to see sex acts as a series of degrees. That old rounding of specific ‘bases’ in the sexual progression of getting to know somebody. But for most adults committed to being intimate with someone, pretty much all things should be on the menu for us to partake in. I’m not talking about assuming that the Batman suit with the ass cut out of it, or having hot wax dripped on your privates is ok for everyone. But the blowie is a little piece of heaven for your man. Unless you want to be a selfish lover, find something about it you like. That you can work on. Develop your technique. Ask him what HE likes and doesn’t like.
It’s a legitimate complaint if a lady won’t even go down there for a look. If you have a sensitive gag reflex tell him! He’s not going to mind while you practice your technique to work around this. Trust me. If he is the grab-your-head-and-force-it-down-your-throat kind of guy and you don’t like it then bite him. He’ll get the message pretty quickly. Or at least push him off you and explain you don’t like it.
This is of course assuming that he has good grooming and hygiene. If not let him know you’re not impressed. You’ll be amazed how quickly he’ll tidy up if he thinks he’ll get a suck out of it. Sure, there are plenty of hetero women and even gay guys who’ll complain their first encounter with a cock in their mouth was a less than a pleasant experience. There’s the mental picture of urine coming out of it. The distinctive scent of male genitals, especially if they’re sweaty. Perhaps they experienced the head push down causing the gag reflex or worse an up-chuck. And lots of men have either prematurely come into their lover’s mouths or just assumed it’s ok to do so without forewarning their sucker. If he doesn’t treat you right whether you’re sucking, f**king or out for dinner walk away. There are plenty more fish in the sea that won’t act like sharks.
Why wouldn’t you give your lover a blowjob if he wants one?
Sex between two people, (or more than two if you’re a lucky bugger!), should be a reciprocal series of give and take right? Not an exact tit-for-tat but in general a swapping of pleasure for pleasure. Couples don’t have to be locked into a 69 at all times, but if you refuse to compromise on something as vanilla as the blow-job, then don’t come to expect your partner to be all that happy going down on you, massaging your butt hole or whatever it is in particular that gets you off. Even if it’s something they do, (at least did), like to do. And if your man really likes getting head, and you don’t like giving it much at all, expect there to be some problems in your sex life. It’s doesn’t have to be a deal breaker but it is quite important. Talk to your girlfriends. Google some stuff. Get some advice. But most importantly discuss it openly with your man. He’s not a mind reader. He doesn’t understand where you’re coming from, (sorry for the pun). He loves his dick and you’re not sucking it. That’s all he sees happening. Men are simple creatures. Explain it to him and get his help to work through it. He’ll be up for it. (Sorry...I can’t help myself).
Please, don’t just leave the blowie for his birthday, as if anointing him with the gift of your precious mouth. Your man is aching for you to stick his cock in your pout but you bestowing a cock-sucking on him once a year sends a clear message that using your oral technique is not something you ever really want to do. That’s going to take some of the enjoyment out of it for the average fella. Really why bother then? If it’s that offensive to you then find the needle in the haystack of men who actually don’t like head and date him. But be prepared to search far and wide. I’m not justifying the fact that
ninety nine plus percent of men love receiving head. I’m just telling you how it is. And I’m qualified to do so!
Also please, if you’re going down to Chinatown for his eggroll but only come to lick, kiss and regard it with the smallest amount of enthusiasm, he’s going to notice that as well. Nothing’ll turn any us off quicker than feeling our partner is doing something out of a sense of duty, duress or with no interest. In the end, with this kind of attitude, you and your man might not be destined for the long hall. So find a guy who’ll lie to you and say blowjobs are not all that important to him.
The boys, the perineum, the black hole
There’s more to giving good oral than just open-mouth-and-insert-cock. There are an infinite amount of techniques involved, and like I said before, it all depends on what you like to do and what your partner gets off on. Whether to gobble Mr. Wonderstaff whole; to suck hard up, down or both; to lick the head only but mouth the shaft, or vice versa. Sliding a hand up and down him in a wanking motion as you salivate enough to make it super slippery. Sticking your tongue down the eye of the penis. Play, practice, experiment. See I told you it would be fun. The list goes on and on. Best check with your man…as much as when he’s stuffing your mouth as post coitus. What does he fantasize about? Are there things he’s enjoyed in the past? Be you a gay man, see if you can recreate on your partner what you like yourself. Also, throw in a few of those maneuvers you’ve fantasized over, (it’s ok, he knows you’ve fantasized about sucking dick), or done before. At the risk of repeating myself, it’s all about open, two way, communication. You need to be brave if you want to be the best you can be as a couple. More than what you do with mouth, throat and tongue, what’s going to separate you from the run-of-the-mill dick-smoker is how you come to regard ‘the boys’, the perineum and the chocolate coloured starfish.
If and how you pay attention to your man’s testicles when you give him head can really make the difference between a good blow job and a great one. Don’t just leave his boys to fend for themselves. Lift, tickle, massage and stroke them with mouth or hand. Gently suck and lap at them as much as you do the cock. Put them in your mouth and hum. Swirl your tongue around them. Really, we all are so concerned with what to do with the erection when we’re giving head that we forget that our man’s supporting cast needs attention as well. Treat the boys to a bit of a treat too. The whole area’s connected.
For those of you who are unsure where or what this is, it’s the much forgotten, springy oasis between the very bottom of your man’s testicular sack and just where the crack of his ass begins, (and we’ll foray up that alley in a second). This area is replete with sexually stimulating nerve endings. It is a tough little hammock-y bugger though. So while a lick and kiss here will certainly send your man to heaven, you might consider working the tip of a few fingers or even your knuckle into this area. Why be a five when you can be an eight or a nine with this little maneuver?
This is a tricky area to negotiate. It’s not as straight forward as what your man likes. It also has to do with what he might imagine it all means. What I’m saying is…there are a lot of hetero guys who do not want their assholes messed with. Not because they haven’t fantasized about it. Of course they have. They may even have snuck the odd finger up themselves in private or while having a wank in the shower. It’s not because on those few occasions where they’ve allowed a woman to explore them ‘back there’ that they haven’t enjoyed it. They may even have orgasmed their brains out. But lots of men, yes, even in this day and age, feel if they allow any playing back there then they might…well you know, turn/want to be gay because only gay guys do that bum stuff. As I have stated before, it’s a silly notion, but really tread carefully.
And be gentle. Although I’ve met my fair share of anal sluts, most guys haven’t had too many things up their butts. It might feel a bit weird for them. They could be clenching their sphincter for all it’s worth out of shame or fear. Slow and gentle. Don’t scare him off on the first attempt. Get him to instruct you on more, less or stop. Follow his lead. And use lots of lubricant. There are no glands to produce wetness back there. For hygiene’s sake put a condom on all fingers, toys etc that are being inserted. It reduces the offense or embarrassment to either party from the poop situation and also makes cleaning up way faster and easier. My first ever session of scat, (poo), play I didn’t wear gloves. Afterwards I scrubbed and scrubbed my hands. I couldn’t get the brown stain off my skin or out from under my nails and THE SMELL! Three days later I could still cop a nauseating whiff. Learn from my mistakes.
Take me down to Funky Town
Let’s just revisit the hygiene issue for a second. It deserves its own section. I’m not going to lie; hetero men are notoriously funky down south. Not all of them manscape. And many feel a sweaty ball sack is the height of masculinity. You might have to give your man some nudges in the right direction to encourage him to pay a little extra attention to hygiene when it comes to trimming the backyard or at least giving his undercarriage a good scrub every ten days. You will come across resistance. Here’s how I solved that little problem. I waited until my man came back from working at the office all day followed by playing indoor soccer. When he jumped in the shower I confiscated his undies. As he lay down to sleep I put them directly on his face. He jumped ten inches off the bed, threw them off and complained about how foul they stank. I let him know that this was exactly what he was demanding me to put up with except that I was expected to lick and suck the stench as well. Message sent and received loud and clear. Do I actually have to write a few lines about men and skid marks? Ever lived with a man and washed his littles? Perhaps it’s because they're hairier on average around their bum holes than women. The shit sticks to the foliage. The toilet paper just can’t clean it properly. But the waft emanating from that area is enough to make a girl gag before she’s even put the cock in her mouth. If this is the case then it's above and beyond the call of duty for you to go down there. Throw that man’s ass in the shower and instruct him to SCRUB! Men don’t mean to offend. They are just unaware. Train them. Sure, all human beings give off a scent. Yes, some folks actually smell. And it’s a simple law of percentages that the more crotches smack you in the face in your life time the greater your percentage of sniffing and licking some good ones as well as foul. Just tell your man; the more attention he pays the more you will…with your mouth. But please, have him beg off the cologne or antiperspirant. That stuff tastes wrong.com when you come across it on balls.
Taking the come shot: The final word on the final spurt
The gobs of time, attention and even scholarly tract that has been spent on the question of whether to swallow semen or not could fill volumes. In the end, and forgive me before hand, I can’t resist, this really comes down to a matter of the head-giver’s personal taste. Some oral-care-givers feel the job, blowjob that is, is not complete unless they get their lover to come in their mouth. Some men who are receiving a blowjob love to orgasm this way. Others find it the perfect foreplay but don’t want to finish in the mouth. They want to move on to full sex. Many skin-flute players enjoy a full facial, in effect having the man ‘blow his load’ on their face…or some other body part close by. Some ‘suckers’ have no
qualms with a man coming in their mouth but prefer that the man do so into a condom. This is good for lovers who do not know one another so well just yet. All of this is negotiable. Like I said, be brave. Speak up. For the person who allows the come shot in their mouth, there are a few different scenarios. The head-giver can simply let the spurting penis shoot what it will down their throat. Not so much even tasting the man’s sperm. This is just a big gulp like shooting tequila shots at the bar. Or one can receive the entire immaculate ejaculate, (or at least try to), in their mouth to either swallow as they see fit, or leave the scene of the crime and spit elsewhere.
There are even those men who enjoy a little “snow-balling”; ejaculating in their lover’s mouth then having him or her French kiss that ejaculate back into their own mouth. I shouldn’t be judgmental but this one grosses me out a bit. Sorry. Just being honest. Anyway there are a lot of ways to facilitate a man coming in your mouth…and what to do with that come.
Well the taste of a man’s dream cream will vary from penis to penis as much as it can coming from the same man each different time he comes. I’ve experienced everything from really acidic to bland nothingness. I have to say though that I’ve never copped a gob full and thought, 'Yummy! I’m going to ask my favorite restaurant to put it on their menu.' A man’s level of fitness and health contribute greatly to his sperm taste….mainly his diet. As with any other secretion coming out our body, sperm consistency as well as taste is affected by what a man puts into his system. The overall complaint from the great ejaculate tasting/swallowing population, (a group of lobbyists soon to have a seat in various world governments), is that sperm tastes bitter or salty. Therefore a man altering his diet to make his come taste sweeter is the goal here. No guys, you’re never going to be Willy Wonka spurting a chocolate river out your Johnson, but you can do something to make the spunk sweeter.
First and foremost, stop consuming the pollutants…alcohol, caffeine, drugs and nicotine. Drink lots of water, as it flushes body toxins and eat lots of sweet fruits as they will sweeten you-know-what, (pineapple, papaya, melons and mangos are good choices). Very much as cabbages, asparagus and broccoli affect our pee smell they will sperm, but eating all other veggies is a good choice. Cutting down on red meat is a good idea too. See a pattern here?
Basically if a man eats well, as all people should, his sperm will taste the better for it. The blow-job, like anal sex, and all other acts not specifically designed for vanilla procreation between heterosexuals, but just for fun and sexual arousal, God forbid, comes under a lot of scrutiny. Let’s bullet point it;
-Men who want it and don’t get it (enough).
-Their partners resisting and not seeing what all the fuss is about.
-Those who do fantasize about being dick suckers but have yet to, fearing what they might encounter.
-The many men and women who have had some bad past experience putting a cock in their mouth.
-Those who have swallowed when they haven’t wanted to or wanted to and just wished things tasted slightly sweeter.
-The nasty gag reflex especially when an erect cock is rudely slammed down one’s throat.
-Getting past the odours.
-Getting past the thought of your mouth being a toilet. Yes I’ve heard this said. And the list can go on and on.
Seen as simply a lustful act by some, an intimate approach to love-making by others, a necessity by too many and an act that requires only opening ones mouth to accomplish, really there is much to learn when it comes to being a better blow-jobber. I’ll be the first one to put my hand up to hone my skills. Bring it on boys.
And guys…don’t take it for granted. Let your lover know you appreciate it. I’ve been working my tongue to the bone and wanted to check if the guy has a pulse. Show her verbally and with your body what you like. And also let her know what doesn’t float your boat. The more effort you put into perfecting her oral skills the more you benefit. It’s a no brainer.
Like to Twitter anyone?
What about Facebook?
Whenever the term ‘prostitute’ comes up, the average person thinks of a female offering sex for a fee, whether that’s street-walkers, brothel girls or elite escorts. But how many also know that prostitution services are offered by males?
Guys have been in the game as long as women. Some offer a male-to-male service. These guys may not consider themselves homosexuals. They are simply ‘gay-for-pay’, dating women in their social lives. Others offer their services strictly for females, (these guys don’t make much money despite what you’ve heard. They’d be lucky to get one job a month.) And then there are those who’ll service pretty much anyone who has the cash.
Males use all the same avenues to ply their trade as their working-sisters do. Private webpages, escort companies, specific street beats and brothels, (known as stables for the guys). Males may also use saunas and gay bars with varying degrees of tolerance by the owners. Even certain phone apps and websites designed for casual hook-ups are used to sell sexual services.
I could have used Wikipedia, cruised websites, interviewed male sex-workers and so on to write this article but I thought the best way of reporting the situation was a ‘hands-on’ experience.
Googling 'male escort Melbourne' I was presented with a plethora of escort companies and private websites for gigolos. But how to choose? The ball was in my court. I was like a kid in a candy store. Blonde, brunette, muscular, slim, facial hair, clean shaven, tattoos, outfits the list went on. Having chosen a Mediterranean man who advertised himself as being six foot two and having eight inches of thick bliss I was surprised at how nervous I was to call him up. I've been a working girl for years but now the boot was on the other foot. Two rings and he answered with a deep, sexy voice. “Adam speaking.” Considering he has to get it up and not all of his clients are going to be, shall we say his type, I thought his fees were too cheap. But it was an experiment so we made the necessary arrangements for our rendezvous. Cash only, my name, address and mobile number.
I eagerly awaited the knock on the door. Right on time he arrived. I like punctuality. I don’t like facial hair. What walked in was not the clean shaven, hot bodied stud I thought I was getting but a shorter and rounder version with a full beard. Talk about photo shopped. I realise that female escorts are guilty of this too but this was not even a guy who I would give it away to for free. We were not off to a great start but in the spirit of real-life journalism I prevailed.
Having a get to know you glass of wine on the couch I couldn’t help but notice a slight blue tinge to the corner of his lip. A classic sign of popping Viagra in the car without a water chaser. Upon questioning him he admitted that it was common practice amongst male sex workers. He never knew who was going to answer the door and he had an obligation to perform. Fair enough. As a female all I have to do is lube up and open my legs.
I had only booked an hour of his time so we moved through to the bedroom. I should have left his shirt on. A hairy chest is nice but hairy back and arse cheeks are not. Oh dear! On the phone he had assured me that he gave great head. I was still looking forward to this. The best oral I have ever received has been from very unattractive men. Lying back with my eyes closed I can think of anyone and anything I like to get off. Unfortunately this was not a repeat performance. Rough facial hair grinding at my clitoris is not how I achieve an orgasm. After correcting him twice I gave
up and moved towards the final destination. Sex. His eight inches was correct. Girth was substantial too. Perhaps this liaison was salvageable. I prefer cut penises but did not think to clarify this on the phone during the booking process. You guessed it. Foreskin. No problem I thought. Just pull it back...but then it hit me. The smell. Smegma. The cottage cheese that lies under the foreskin of a guy who doesn’t clean his penis properly. It stinks in the worst, distinctive way. There was no way I was going to have that thing in my mouth. He asked me what the hesitation was. Without realising it I was standing frozen with his penis in my hand, mouth open. The look I gave him must have been enough. His eyes followed mine and the recognition on his face said it all. “I can shower if you like.” Handing him back his shirt I just pointed to the door. He got the message. Quietly he placed the money on the side table and rushed out the door shoes in hand.
I have no doubt there are many hot, professional guys out there servicing women to within an inch of their lives. This guy was just trying it on. Would I attempt it again? No. Even to write another article? Not on your life. I’ve had better luck picking up at the pub. No photo shopping there.
This is a frustrated Violet Ivy signing off.
Why is it possible to send men to the moon but utterly infeasible to make a deodorant which lasts effectively for more than about two hours? It may be ok if you work on a construction site or even in a bank or shop to have smelly arm pits by mid afternoon but not so if you are an elite escort! 24 hour protection my arse. Those people in the adverts playing tennis for two hours and coming up smelling like roses are all fake! I have to have multiple showers in a day even if I am not 'entertaining'. And the can of deodorant in my handbag takes up much needed space for other essential items such as my velvet whip, wigs or variety of dildos. Lying bastards.
How To Fly Up Into The Mile High Club
Is it the thrill of possibly getting caught doing ‘it’ in such a populated space, actually becoming a member of an infamous club, more than one drink in one’s system lubricating mind and body, or sheer boredom that leads people to consummate in the clouds and become members of The Mile High Club? We’ve all heard plenty of those naughty stories men and woman relate to shocked friends or liberal family members of their encounters with a sexy stranger on a plane. Or a randy couple bragging about how they were just so God awful horny for one another during a cross country flight. But I often wonder how many real mile higher’s there are? Are the larger percentage of these encounters under small, thin airline blankets and in cramped bathrooms mainly the stuff of the ubiquitous urban legend?
Still, if one must, who I am to stop you? You want to become part of this exclusive airy sex club, read on all you Amelia Earharts. Buckle-in you lascivious Lindberghs. I’ll spirit you up up up and away so you can get off like very few before you ever got the chance to. Here’s how one manages the heights and startling spins to enter The Mile High Club.
First the true definition so you know you’re doing it right
I know typically The Mile High Club is supposed to be populated by a heterosexual membership, but for our purposes here I am going to throw aside that bygone convention and say that you can join regardless of who you either are f*#king or come to be f*#ked by. According to the official mile high club website, (yes there is an official website, you’re surprised?), two people must engage in sexual intercourse at an altitude of at least 5,280 ft, a mile above the earth, yes that Earth down there, where we should all normally be doing it! So as far as I’m concerned gay as well as straights can have intercourse. There you have it, the club knows no sexual orientation preference in my view. The sexual act must not only attempted but completed. Duration doesn’t matter but this specific, close contact of pink parks does. Really, if just taking out your various naughty parts during a plane flight would constitute making it to The Mile High Club I dare say no airport lounge could fit all the club members! No, for our purposes here there must be insertion…and I mean more than just the tip of one’s tongue into our lover’s ear…or rear even.
Actually, if one really wants to get technical here, The Mile High Club was developed around the concept that one of the clubbers needed to be behind the controls of the airplane when consummating to make it in, so to speak. So therefore only pilots and co-pilots could join…I’m assuming with willing hosties mainly. But growing from the infamous exploits of the club’s supposed founder Lawrence Sperry and the flights he seemed to enjoy with Mrs. Waldo Polk in an autopiloted plane back in 1916 I say let’s include all those who have managed the feat of f*#king at least a mile high.
Is it legal?
In certain places there are nebulous laws and in some cases none at all that speak to having sex on any mode of public
transport. Most Civil Aviation Authorities state they have no real law on the books for the activity but there are other ways you can get in Dutch if you're out and about with a lover on train, plane or bus. First of all, in most places, revealing nude parts or engaging in sexual acts which can be witnessed by the public is technically illegal. Considered lewd behavior. This is why the bathroom on a plane, while cramped and God only knows what that blue liquid in the toilet, is the ‘best’ place to consummate. Or squirreled away in two secluded seats at the back of a pretty much otherwise empty flight, two people could technically keep themselves covered enough by some strategically placed airline blankets to not expose themselves and still manage the deed.
Yet, one must realize that at a mile above the earth passengers are still required to be wearing their seatbelts, so if for no other reason lusty would-be mile higher’s could get in trouble if they unhook to hook-up. And really, any activity seen as off putting to a flight attendant, (and this would be a subjective assessment by the hostie, I’ll grant you), can be reported as an act against the “contract of carriage”. The two people attempting to reach their personal height might not be as much fined or arrested as just asked not to fly that particular airline ever again. Once the doors close on an aircraft the laws an airline might adhere to could vary greatly. Charges could be levied upon you from the city of the flight’s origin, the flight’s final destination or even from where the flight originates originally. It’s a lot of complicated stuff to consider just because you and that stranger had simpatico eyes.
So does it really feel any better?
There are a lot of vibrations on an airplane, even a smooth flying one, that most people will never experience in their beds. The very consistent rumbling through a plane’s cabin, not to mention the sounds, could indeed fuel many of us sexually. It’s not for everybody surely, but some of us like lots of motion in the ocean of our sexual encounters and short of being on a boat, where wave motion can actually make one puke, (and let me just go on the record here and now that puking does not a wild sexual encounter usually make), or being on the constant metaphor of a speeding train entering or exiting dark tunnels, a plane might be the best and only place you’ll ever feel sensations like these. There are also dips in atmospheric pressure, which could invest one with a myriad of sensations, good turbulence being better than a vibrator. There are sudden shucks and jives, and in the case of a good thunderstorm more than a little fear of crashing. Plus those big shutters and loud booms could cause anyone to grow just a little but more clingy with a stranger. You just might have a thing for exhibitionism or simply get a charge out of the possibility of exposure. If this is a red hot spike that lies deep within your fantasy then humping close to detection, even baring the side of your hip up over a blanket will jolt you mentally…which in turn will jolt you physically.
What might feel best to you about the entire experience, and the one factor that seems to prompt people to join The Mile High Club more than any other, is the ability to brag about being so sexually daring. In the end, this positive spike to your reputation could feel damn good. Let’s face it, even with some strong turbulence, how long can two people seriously carry on even in the emptiest of airplanes. What makes getting your Mile High Status so wonderful is not the sex you had to get it but the fact that you indeed did have sex to get in the club and can brag you are after.
So how does one facilitate friendlier skies?
There are some things you can plan, others you can’t, to facilitate a Mile High Club encounter. There is no particular set of rules for trying to make this very specific very public possibility a reality. Some couples simply use their next shared long flight as their opportunity. Single passengers may simply seize on the assumed boredom they are anticipating to locate a few attractive fellow passengers.
First and foremost, have you a significant lover or even just a good friend who might agree, (and I’d say that’s one hell of a good friend indeed!), get them on the flight with you, arrange as far in advance as you can sitting together for the flight, and if you two are of a mind and desire, have a few drinks before and during the flight. If you don’t have someone in mind, but are still keen, then it’s up to you to search pre-boarding for cuties and hunks. Arguably you’ll be on a time limit here so don’t waste your game, get to it, find somebody you might be able to snuggle up close to, who wishes to maybe entertain entering the club just like you and if you still have time and the flight is a little empty see if you might finagle some new seating assignments. Get to that gate early and look for solo guys or girls, depending on your desire. Your best approach to a stranger is honesty, and a certain ability to laugh off the suggestion at the slightest sign that the guy or girl you have approached might simply see your approach as a joke. You might not land on anyone interested in having sex with you, a complete stranger, in your upcoming flight even though you are so darned cute, (can you imagine being rejected like this…really!). Don’t give up hope, there are always other flights and passengers.
Might I suggest also dressing for as easy an access as you can muster but still be stylish? Don’t look like a slob, noone wants to f*#k somebody who looks unkempt or unclean, but wear clothes you can easily push to the side or open. And keep your jewelry to a minimum. It makes for less items to possibly fall off you while you’re shimmying about, and less stuff to lose in the end.
See if you might be able to get yourself on a red-eye. These flights sail into the friendly skies between 1 and 4 in the morning and are typically less crowded. They also dim the lights after you’ve been fed. What better place to get your action going than on a plane were there are fewer people to detect that action?
And hold on to your blanket. Maybe take a coat even if the weather in both the place you’re leaving and going to is mild. Secret a few extra pillows if you’re of a mind. And remember, please remember, have something on your feet, even if you have to put on your shoes for the moment, if you’re going to try your tryst in the plane’s bathroom. Even the most studied microbiologists couldn’t venture a guess what lurks on the floor or seat of an airplane’s lavatory and those tiny cramped sink counters hide a copious amount of unseen dangers. If you’re resting your booty up there, make sure to put a paper towel under you.
As The Mile High website boasts, “It Beats First-Class By A Mile.” Managing to bring your partner on board for a little hop in the clouds or find a willing participant pre-boarding to actually have sex with in an airplane is quite the feat to be sure. No matter what movie they’re showing in coach or what toppings they have for the ice cream sundaes up in Business Class I guarantee even fulfilling the quickest Mile High criteria will still be better than anything else going on in the plane. Grab a red eye if you have to, maybe an extra blanket or two and throw caution to the wind. With a little
forethought, some careful considerations, a rebel’s courage to just ignore that fasten your seat belt sign, (and of course quick check of the airplane’s bathrooms), you and your partner might just be able to join ole Lawrence Sperry and Mrs. Polk in infamy.
Another story? Sure!
How To Get Your Sex Life Back On Track
All couples grow bored at some stage. It’s inevitable. Every intimate situation has the potential for getting stale. After a while, sex between you and your lover, while good, maybe even Earth rockin’ most of your bumpatybumpity times, might roll rote and repetitious, lacking in spontaneity. We’re all subject to fluctuations in our mood. Is it any wonder a relationship could see fits and starts at its most basic point? Just try to get two people agreeing on what pizza topping they like every single time they order!
A lack luster sex life is less a problem to lay blame over than one we should try and talk about when it happens. But God knows, if you’re anything like me, you’d rather stick hot needles in your eyes than address a sexual speed bump; get on with the getting-on, I say. There might just be a whole bunch of sticky and unsaid things lying behind why you and your significant other are not rolling round the hay as much as you once were. And these sticky unsaid things might just be too sticky to say. But burying your head in the sand or hoping things will just work themselves out when you're both not so tired is not the solution. As much as so many of us would rather avoid problems, be there any, the better way is to get past them. Don’t you want to get back to having awesome sex on tap? Sometimes the road to recovery of your booty calling, if there is indeed one, is actually taking a proactive stance. I for one am not prepared to have a boring sex life! So, how do we get our orgasming adventures back on track?
Recognizing it’s normal
You can’t let stuff like a little slow down between the sheets or on the dining table get you down…all that much. It might not be as big a problem as you think, then again, it could be, sorry to say. For too many couples the very fact that their mutual desire for one another is lessening is cause for a big alarm, which keeps them worrying over their lack of desire and subsequently keeps that desire at bay. You know that old standard of a man worrying when he doesn’t get an erection and that worry laying in wait for him so deeply each time he wants to get one that he doesn’t.
Rule #1 then has to be…Don’t get all that hung up over NOT having sex.
It’s normal to see ebbs and flows in your clutching and grabbing at one another. I’m certainly not suggesting you ignore your halting of the making of the beast with two backs, but take a breath and put things in perspective. A little backing off the full throttle of humping happens from time to time for one and all. Of course, the longer the cessation of engaging your southern nations the more you will have to address the question of…
Does the two of you simmering on idle mean something more?
Ok, so maybe your lack of sex is growing into a full season drought. Maybe it’s time you not only talked about it, maybe even got out to see somebody about it, maybe it’s also time to consider…is this relationship you’re in worth staying in? Is this winding down or all together lack of sex you and your lover have come to the normal progression of a relationship on the wane? You could be f***buds, long marrieds, or a couple in it for half a year only, but not every relationship is meant to last like Rocky and go the distance. Sure, what stings is when you had it so good for a prescribed period of time, and certainly the longer that time was the harder it is to reconcile that things might just be coming to an end. What cuts one to the quick is if, at one time, the sex was just so freaking amazing and it isn’t now. What can take you out of the game of dating even, and actually sees too many couples staying together well after their prime, is the idea that you have to try and find a new partner if you two break-up. But really, if you have an inkling that this low idle of your sex life speaks to bigger concerns over your relationship in general then maybe, hate to say it, you and he or she are done. If those concerns lay at the root of you and your lover getting along, if they are things you address and just fight over or just ignore because you know airing these concerns will break you up, guess what? You’re at the beginning of your end anyway, and the result is your sex life dying.
Rule #2 then should teach us that…If things are dying, let them die. But if you’re still in there fighting and think things are worth saving…
Take a good look at your partner It’s easy to forget or simply ignore what is right in front of us every day. It’s human nature to not only start to look around for other distractions, (something I will get into in a bit), but also to just take things for granted. Too many couples simply get so mired in the everyday of trying to cope with their job, the kids, relatives, dealing with picking a movie even, they simply lose site of the intimacy they have built or were building. I’d advise taking a good look at what’s right in front of you. Notice your partner. Give he or she the once over as much physically as well as in every other way you connect. Let’s face it, if you’ve been a couple for any stretch of time you’ve probably seen your she or he naked a time or two, probably experienced all their little tricks and kinks; there’s nothing new under the sun now. But to keep things going, to stoke the flame maybe weakened by the kindling of familiarity you have to look deeply into the home fires to notice much more than just a flickering light, (I outdid myself in the imagery
there, didn’t I?). A little re-accessing of this person we are in love or lust with, deep breathing while we try and not take them for granted. Recognizing on a consistent basis what it was about this guy or girl we have always been attracted to, (and let’s hope it is more than physical, because if all you have between you is a mutual physical attraction that’s damn well going to lessen the more you see one another naked), and a considering of whether we want to be where we are might indeed bring things around. And a little extra note about intimacy here…bumping pink parts is not all there is to it all, I hope you know. Sure, sex feels good, (when done right and with the adequate amount of lube), but there’s a lot more to being with one another than just ‘doing it’. Too often we all get hung up on when we are not having sex to realize that just cuddling on the couch, taking a bath together, baking cookies even is intimate…or taking a bath in cookie batter…even better! The more time you take enjoying non-sexual activities the more spontaneous romping you might see come down the pike. Especially if you’re in this thing for a longer time, trying to go the distance with some cohabitating, working through problems, the intimacy you're counting on takes a lot of work and attention.
Rule # 3 then is…Stop and smell the roses…or whatever else you want of your partner. Consistently recognize the person you’re with and what it is you two are cultivating. Then…
Get out of your comfort zone. The time might be nigh to begin exploring fantasies heretofore unrealized with your lover. Maybe you two should pick-up on some ideas you skirted with at the beginning of your affair but saw fall by the wayside in the light of some comfortably hot love making? Get out together and buy some toys, hell for some couples just the idea of walking into an adult toy shop can be very arousing. If this is too adventurous look online…for porn and not just toys too! Add some spice from that old rack of ingredients you have yet to sprinkle in your soup. Plan a romantic weekend getaway. Organise a weekend in bed including supplies so you don’t have to leave the room. Or don’t plan, just grab a few minutes on your best buddy’s downstairs couch during his birthday party. Mix it up. Buy some sexy undies, (his and hers). Use your cell phones to send naughty texts, (just make sure you’re sexting your lover and not your mom or the kids, please!). Hey, you want to try that threesome? This might be the time. Yes, you can still find plenty of sex parties, kink ‘munches’, swinger groups. Get out and shake those tail feathers. But be careful though. This is a precarious time for your intimacy. For some couples literally getting out of their comfort zone means to get the hell out of the house on a ‘date’ that doesn’t include the kids, maybe renting a hotel room for a few hours. For others, straying into a threesome or even watching porn might open a few doors they might not be all that comfortable opening until they can get themselves back on more familiar nookie ground.
Rule #4 is certainly getting you and your lover out and about, but step carefully, because out and about for many of us often leads to..
Going where the grass seems to be greener It’s human nature to consider when the sex slows down or altogether halts between you and your significant other, to maybe seek out somebody new. Sure, there are threesomes and sex orgies a couple could find but there's also out and out cheating, one partner stepping out on another. It’s the old grass is greener theory. But to be sure, no matter what grass you go to tickle your toes on, it’s gonna be just as hard to cut as that field you came from. Do you think adding a f***buddy into the mix is going to see you simply enjoy some pleasures and no aggravation? Sure, nobody wants to hammer home a problem in their relationship when they could just as easily get far from it and have some fun, but the problem you run away from doesn’t go away just because you’re no longer there. Enjoying a less than fulfilling sex life presently in the bed of the person you are supposed to be enjoying it with will not be helped by finding another to play your games. It might make you feel good momentarily to enjoy the fruits of someone else’s orchid but why even go a’picking if you have a ripe ready tree at home?
Rule #5…Address your sex life with your significant other first. See where you’re at, what you want or don’t want to do about it, then if need be, move on after your lover knows your full intentions.
In the end you’re going to find a whole bunch of people ready to give you advice here. There are tons of T.V. talking heads who set up a couch for their studio audience and puke platitudes that prove absolutley useless or at worst harmfull in actual application. You and your lover might not know exactly why you’re staining the sheets less and less. You might just be in a normal lull of trying to get along. Or your lack of sex could speak to a problem that goes deeper than trying to make a once-a-week appointment for a ‘date night’. Not having something; sex, money or ice-cream where we previously had an overabundance of it and the flavor was all so yummy, is upsetting but it doesn’t necessarily mean you won't ever taste that ice cream again. The future lickability between you and your lover is up to you both to decide. I suggest doing so as soon as you can.
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“Sex and Sexuality – The Interviews” is available at;
Barnes & Noble
“Lucky Girl – How I survived the Sex Industry” is available at;